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Friday, March 29, 2024

Men’s Table doesn’t just talk about ‘footy and sh*t’

Over dinner once a month, Men’s Table creates a unique, safe environment for men to share openly about their lives, their challenges, their highs and their lows.

Popping up in communities all over Australia, an anonymous survey conducted by The Men’s Table revealed that these self-organising local groups have led to 80 per cent of participants reporting better mental health and wellbeing.

Six in 10 (61 per cent) also reported an improvement to their overall communication skills.

CW caught up with Warren (78) and Jeff (49), two Canberra men who will attend the upcoming ‘entrée night’ on Tuesday 16 August* in hopes of joining the new Men’s Table forming at Eastlake Gungahlin.

“There are many guys out there who don’t have anybody, and I think they don’t realise how screwed up that is,” said Warren.

Three months ago, Warren clicked on an ad for Men’s Table on Facebook, searching for social connection.

“At 78, you lose quite a few of your friends. It’s a simple fact of life,” he said. “The one close friend I had for 31 years moved to Adelaide after Covid messed up his family unit.

“We spoke about anything and everything. I have other mates, but they wouldn’t even tell me if they had a headache.

“They just don’t know how to talk about life. It seems to be the wrong thing to do,” said Warren. “But we can do football and cricket, which means nothing at the end of the day.”

An extrovert already suffering from the burden of isolation, Warren’s mental health was further challenged when his daughter was diagnosed with cancer.

“She’s immunosuppressed, I haven’t been able to touch her for seven months. We talked through glass, and it kills me.

“I thought it’s about time I got some help, not for anything serious, but I’d like someone to empathise with.”

“Sometimes all I need to know is that somebody else knows.”

– Warren, 78.

Jeff, who is in training to be a military chaplain, found Men’s Table when searching for volunteer opportunities two months ago.

“I’ve spent four years at Menslink, which is mostly about the young fella. I thought Men’s Table was almost the same idea, but for older fellas.

“At Menslink, I found that when the young fellas were off doing whatever, the older blokes were sitting around a table having a coffee, and we had some excellent conversations. I probably got more out of it personally in those moments than when working with the young fellas.”

Jeff reached 20 years of service last July.

“I hope that through Men’s Table I can develop some skills to understand blokes a little better, skills that I can use as a chaplain,” he said.

“You do get that toxic masculinity in Defence. You do get the alpha males who are there to do harm, and have had harm done to them as well. Getting them to release that in a supportive situation is so important.

“I think a lot of it stems from the fact that they don’t know how to tell their story, they don’t know how to talk; they just won’t let up.

“I think we just assume that we’re all feeling the same thing,” said Jeff.

“We assume that ‘we’re men and we’re okay’,” added Warren.

The proud slogan of the Men’s Table is: ‘We don’t just talk about footy and sh*t.’

“I think it’s brilliant, I really do,” said Warren. “Because that’s what happens! That’s what always happens. It gets [men] away from really revealing themselves.

“I could name four guys who I call mates that would be horrified with this,” he said.

“Women have coffee mornings, but men, if they go to the pub, they’re not talking about them. They’re watching the sport on the screen. I think that’s missing in society.”

“There’s a real need to be vulnerable,” Jeff agreed. “A lot of men see vulnerability as weakness when, actually, facing your internal fears and letting other people know is pretty courageous.”

“And if you’re a bit more talkative and communicative, it means people might go on to say, ‘how do you feel about that?’ or ‘what happened next?’

“Then you just start processing internally. You start thinking, ‘I did feel that’. ‘I was really angry,’ or ‘I was hoping for more’.”

More than eight in 10 (84 per cent) of Men’s Table participants reported feeling a stronger sense of community belonging. Likewise, the effects of Men’s Tables ripple into communities surrounding them.

“My dad was always very stoic and it’s probably where I learnt how to be a man from,” said Jeff.

“He openly admits to not talking about feelings. That’s just his way. But I noticed in the last few years, he’s slowly talking more, sharing a little more, bit by bit.”

“It’s a known fact that from 70 upwards, it is very hard to make friends,” said Warren, about men of his generation benefiting from Men’s Table. “The only way to meet other guys is to move into a retirement village,” he smiled.

“If there’s one thing I’d like to walk away from Men’s Table with, it’s a friend.”

*Due to the increase in demand for Canberra North Men’s Table, a second entrée night has been planned for Wednesday 17 August.

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