A problem shared is a problem halved – and a problem shared between 3.4k peers creates solidarity.
Yasmin Edgerley and Krissy Kelland are the mums behind @cbrmamas, a vibrant online community with a draw known as ‘mama chats’.
Today, 124 Canberran mums, and counting, have shared stories that stretch across any point of motherhood, spotlighting conversations that range from struggles with breastfeeding to miscarriage.
Yas and Krissy, who both experienced loss with their first pregnancies, were shocked with the level of hush-hush around miscarriage, and pledged to challenge that stigma through their platform.
The mamas sat down with CW to get real about why stigma around miscarriage withholds support from mums who need it the most.
What are the chances of having a miscarriage?
Krissy: “When I was trying to conceive, I researched everything, and not once did I even consider miscarriage as a possibility – because I just didn’t know it was that common.
Yas: “The numbers are one in four. It’s not rare. The fact that it has a stigma when it’s so common is just mind-boggling. I was the one in four out of my friends, and I didn’t know anything about it.
“You don’t know anything about miscarriage, what leads up to it or what comes after, until it happens to you or someone close to you, and I think that’s ridiculous.
“If we start talking about it more, remove that stigma, there will be more people inclined to educate younger women that this is something that could happen to them. It isn’t something you want to prepare for, but you should align yourself with the realities if you’re trying for a baby.
“It’s so unfortunate that it is common; I know I was in such a dark place when I went through it, but once it starts becoming more spoken about, there will be more understanding in this dribble [trickle] effect.”
Krissy: “Often, it just takes one person to open up and talk about it.”
Why do I feel so alone in my loss?
Krissy: “A miscarriage is one of the biggest things that will happen to you in terms of grief and loss, and you shouldn’t feel like you need to go through that alone.”
Yas: “I questioned what was wrong with me. Why did it happen to me? Why isn’t it happening to other people? It wasn’t until I decided to talk about it that I realised it is happening around me as well. It’s not just a figure.
“There’s all this stuff around like, ‘Don’t announce that you’re pregnant until after 12 weeks, because that’s the riskiest part of a pregnancy.’
Krissy: “The 12-week rule is interesting, isn’t it? Obviously, a lot of people don’t want to share the news because they’re protecting themselves, but if do you lose a baby, the same people you shared the news with are the ones who are going to get you through that loss. For me, that 12-week rule immediately tells me that if something bad happens, I shouldn’t tell anyone.”
Yas: “When I found out with the first bub, I had announced at five weeks. I was so excited! Because we were trying, and it was the first try – the first baby. Then a week later, I found out it was a miscarriage.
“I actually sent a message to my friend saying, ‘I’m so sorry. I’m so embarrassed to be sending this message. I shouldn’t have jumped the gun.’ And how ridiculous is that?! That I felt I had to apologise.
“I believe that pressure comes from the way we’re brought up as women, through society, through sex education; ‘Don’t have sex, you will get pregnant!’
“We’re brought up to think our bodies are naturally made tojust have babies. We’re not taught that there will be differences in our bodies that we can’t help. Low egg count, early menopause, endometriosis, all of that affects fertility.
“It bothers me that we’re not taught one in four, we’re not taught that women have different routes to having babies, and it’s okay if you have to do IVF. All they taught us was how to put a condom on a banana.”
Is anything going to make me feel better?
Yas: “We can probably make a whole list of what not to say to someone who had a miscarriage, Things like, ‘Oh, at least you got one now,’ or ‘You already have a healthy one’.”
Krissy: “People who haven’t been through it often don’t know how to approach the issue, so they think it’s better not to. But the more you talk about it, the more people understand how to help.”
Yas: “The first conversation that really helped me, was when I went for a walk with one of my best mates, who I knew doesn’t ask repeated questions or feel like they have to constantly keep reassuring. She was there to just listen.
“The other was talking to my partner because I didn’t realise how much it affected him as well.
“He was working in the mines when it happened, so I was by myself for another month before he came home. When he came home, and we were able to have that chat about how much it hurts us both, we realised that we didn’t have to go through it separately. We were in this together.”
Krissy: “For me, it was with a couple of my friends that had been through miscarriage. Something that stuck out was one friend who sent a quote, ‘The only way through it, is through it’.
“That’s really what kept me going. You just have to weather the storm, and you will get through to the other side.”
Searching for a community to share with at any point of the mum journey? Visit cbrmamas.com
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